If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
