3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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