I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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