I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
