he shaved USA in his pubs
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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