can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize