is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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