I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
