Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
