Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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