life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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