T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
