Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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