The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I touched a dick in church today
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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