shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
