Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
