i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
