I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
