im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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