Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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