So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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