her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
