ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
