he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
