..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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