My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
