I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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