conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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