It's Friday. Sex?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Randomize