I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Randomize
