First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
