I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
