last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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