There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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