Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
