She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
