dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
