I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
