dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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