after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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