I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
