i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
