bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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