You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
