omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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