I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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