can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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