I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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