I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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