Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
