I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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