I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
