I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
