somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
