I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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