you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
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Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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