It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
