Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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