there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
