i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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