You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
